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It was only mid January and the Valentine decorations of bright red hearts and cupids were everywhere in the stores. I was passing time cruising for post Christmas bargains when I met my granddaughter, Danielle, on the street. I hadn’t seen her over the holiday which was unusual and she appeared upset. She reluctantly agreed to have lunch with me at a nearby Lebanese restaurant. After we had ordered two of the daily specials I asked her how her holidays had been. She responded in a rather vague way and I made some wisecrack about the Valentine propaganda everywhere. Immediately, her eyes filled up and she whispered that she had just left Tom, her husband of seven years. She added she was considering a divorce because she hadn’t been “happy” for some time even though she believed that Tom still loved her. She talked about all the problems of their marriage citing the common litany of relationship challenges including money, children, in-laws and of course, communication. I asked her what had been the best part of her marriage. Danielle gave me a confused look and then pondered the question. I watched her face soften and her eyes brightened as she looked high over my head and said, “You know Gram, I am sure there are some but it is hard to remember them right now.” ” How about just one?” I said. Her face softened even more and she said softly, “Our kids …they are wonderful in so many ways.” “But how has having had children benefited you personally?” I asked. She thought for a moment and then responded, “Well, I guess having children enabled me to learn several things like self confidence by being a mother, responsibility by maintaining our home and to understand the real meaning of love… and probably a lot of other things.” “Danielle”, I asked, “Do you remember where or when you learned that we are supposed to be mostly “happy” in a marriage?” She responded with two questions of her own: “Doesn’t everyone believe that? Isn’t that the measure of a good relationship?” “Since you are raising three children, how would you describe your experience?” I asked. She thought for a moment before offering “Well, there were good days and bad days, moments of great joy and others of great frustration.” “And how about being a wife and mom who works outside the home, what is that like?” “Very similar in a lot of ways. It is wonderful at times just to be home but it can also be quite stifling not be able to just pick and go when I want. And while working often feels very rewarding, sometime I feel I am not there for my family when I want to be.” “Danielle, what if having children and a job or even a marriage, is like a system of checks and balances. With every positive part there will also be a negative part. And like all systems in the universe, be it a weather system, a water system or a family system, it is in a state of perfect balance. This means that it will be about 50% high pressure and 50% low pressure, 50% high tide and 50% low tide, 50 % happy and 50% sad, 50% support and 50% challenge.” She seemed surprised by this. “And Danielle what if this is a recurring and permanent pattern in all aspects of nature including us?” “So when you think about your own marriage” I said, “do these ideas fit?” I watched her eyes glaze over as she stared into space deep in thought evaluating her life with her husband and family, “Gram, I remember our dreams and plans when we first started, all the energy and commitment we expressed to each other. But, I also remember the frustration, fatigue and constant challenges we came up against. The arguments we had, each child being a special worry for us. We really overcame a lot of struggles! But, as I say that I also have to say without those struggles I am not sure it would have been as worthwhile to me.” “Danielle, three questions for you…Is it fair to say that the challenge of parenting has been counterbalanced by the joys of it? Is it fair to say that challenges of providing for a family has been counterbalanced by the rewards of having one? And is it fair to say that the pain of building a marriage is counterbalanced by the pleasure of it?” I went on,” Every system in the universe, from the oceans’ currents to the jet stream to human relationships are in a balance. So, there will be a continual swing back and forth between high tides and low tides, high pressures and low pressures and happiness and sadness.” Danielle looked stunned, as if I had said something she didn’t already know at some level. She retorted, “Gram, are you suggesting that I should only expect to be happy about half the time in my marriage?” “Danielle, what if marriage isn’t really about happiness at all but rather about attaining a peaceful co-existence, while evolving ourselves with the help of our partner. “Danielle, I liked one thing especially about your grandfather when I married him 40 years ago – his gentleness. He was so unassuming, polite and caring” “The one thing that I found most annoying was I felt he didn’t listen to me”. “The laws of nature explain exactly why this is so and, believe it or not, why you are so fortunate to have Tom.” I said. Danielle looked surprised. “I would bet that you place a high value on gentleness and appreciate this quality in others and especially in yourself. Is that so?” I asked. “Yes, I do!” “And, I would also bet that you notice other people who, like Tom, ignore or disrespect others?” I queried. “Yes!” she said, “In fact, it is surprising how many people do that.” “Are you aware”, I said, “that on the day you were born you believed that you were perfect and could do and learn anything you set your mind to? And that every child is born believing that, it is wired into our genetic structure.” Upon considering this Danielle agreed citing memories of her own children, as toddlers learning to walk and, displaying strong determined beliefs in their ability to do so. “So you can appreciate that you also have this same genetic structure and innate belief and that while life’s experiences may have caused you to doubt this belief, it is still there in your brain at some level?” I added, “We build relationships with people who remind us of this belief and help us to rediscover it in ourselves. That is the purpose of every significant other, and so especially of our spousal relationship.” “Are you suggesting that I married Tom seven years ago because he was going to help me rediscover my perfection?” “Danielle, that is it exactly. But I am not suggesting you were very conscious of it at the time. You were probably infatuated Tom’s gentleness.” “Let’s go back to this notion you have of being disrespected by Tom. The laws of nature, the law of symmetry to be exact, would suggest that what you call being “disrespected”, while having several disadvantages for you, must also have an equal number of advantages. Let’s first consider what you are most aware of – the disadvantages. What are the ones you notice the most?” “Well…” she said in an animated way, “I feel unvalued, I experience self doubt, I feel I don’t have a say in important family decisions, our finances are shaky and I stress myself out over it and it has destroyed our relationship and even cost us some friends.” “That is quite a list.” I said. “Now let’s consider the other side of the equation. How has being “disrespected” by Tom actually served you or benefited you?” “Gram, it hasn’t.” She said. I told her, “Danielle, the law of symmetry suggests that there must be an equal number of balancing advantages, which you haven’t been noticing, from being “disrespected” by Tom. She looked at me skeptically. I went on,” You can consider you life from a number of perspectives; let’s just look at one to start. Danielle, how has Tom’s disrespect benefited you mentally?” She thought for a moment then said hesitantly, “Well I suppose I could say that I have learned to be more sensitive to the subtle forms of disrespect that occur all around us like the “racial profiling” that is going on now at border crossings.” she responded. “Danielle, very insightful! Now, how has Tom’s disrespect benefited you at work?” Danielle paused and then with a soft smile said. “This is interesting Gram because your question now explains to me the interest I had in being on the departmental committee that was updating our parental leave policies this fall. I learned a lot from the experience and my work on it was instrumental in me being recommended for the new position I now have.” “Now you are getting the idea. How has Tom’s disrespect served you financially?” Danielle hesitated then suddenly, she smiled at me,”I just remembered that last year we re-negotiated our mortgage at a much better rate because I went ahead and contacted the bank myself.” “How has it benefited you socially to be “disrespected” by Tom?” I asked her next. “I have several friends and colleagues with whom I am close and who listen to me. As I think about it now, I wonder if I would have developed these relationships if I had a different partner?” she said thoughtfully. “That is an intriguing question to consider Danielle... but let’s move to another area. How has your family relationships benefited from the way Tom has treated you?” I asked. “Well Gram, I am very close to our kids and I suspect that is partly because I am very conscious of making time to listen to them. I suppose that it at least partly due to how Tom treats me… although, I never thought of it that way before today.” “There are just two areas left. How has the way you have been treated served you in terms of your own physical health?” “Gram, I have been trying to get him to take better care of himself for years by eating right and exercising more. He has mostly ignored me. But at the same time I have learned to take much better care of myself. I am careful of what I eat and I exercise regularly.” “So it could be that the way Tom treats you is partially responsible for your good health, interesting? Now for my last question, some say the most profound question. How has the way Tom treats you served your spirit, in terms of how you see your connection to the universe? Again Danielle stared off into space thoughtfully, and then her eyes took on that glassy look as they slowly filled. She said, “You know, I see myself as a caring and competent person who deserves to be respected and loved. When I got married seven years ago, I didn’t feel that way about myself. But that was how Tom treated me and why I was attracted to him. And, as I think about it now, it is partly because of our relationship that I have come to be at this place in my thinking, to rediscover some of the beliefs you said earlier I had when I was born. I think our children have also helped me learn important things about me, and probably my friends have as well.” “Danielle, you said that Tom rarely apologizes for how he treats you and that he doesn’t really see it as inappropriate. What if what you have been calling “disrespect” from Tom was just his way of loving you, his way of both supporting and challenging you to rediscover the perfection you had when you were born?” “I have never thought of it that way before. I never really noticed the benefits that have come to me from what I have been calling his disrespect. Gram, I suppose you are going to tell me next that it is a two way street, that his complaints about my nagging actually benefit him.” She said with growing awareness. “That is exactly right! And now you understand why your grandfather and I stayed together for all these years. There were good times and bad, ups and downs but through it all we learned to love ourselves through the reflections of the other. This is what love is really about and how relationships really work. Danielle, you and Tom are assisting each other to evolve your awareness of your own perfection. Each of your children is a unique love lesson for each of you”. “Danielle, what ever you decide about your future with Tom will have equal amounts of pain and pleasure in it, but I am confident you will evolve regardless. Valentine’s Day is really our opportunity to express our gratitude to those who have helped us to learn to appreciate ourselves. “Danielle, I wish I could stay longer but I having root canal work done which is challenging me to find its benefits.” I joked. “Gram, you have certainly given me lots to think about. Thank you for the Special Valentine Lunch and especially for being my Gram!” As I hurried out the door, I said “Danielle…have a Happy & Sad Valentine’s Day.” She laughed and waved. 
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